Saturday, March 24, 2007

Jim...

好久不見~~~!!!
我終於找到你了~試了好久才好不容易可以再次log on~我竟連password都給忘了><:::
好久沒寫心情故事了~快憋死了~~~
我還是有好多想說滴!!!
近來 我一切都還好(現在正在聽著"搖滾東方"的"用愛交換自由" 好可憐 就好像隨時會掉眼淚一樣 太感動了 這樣的陰天又帶著絲絲細雨真不適合聽像這樣的歌曲 可是 那歌詞 真的是太感人了 我聽了不知道有幾十遍了沒有 嗯~
剛剛看了一下才知道我上個post竟然是十一月的事 哇~短短的四個月 竟可以把我變了那麼多 現在的我 真的好開心 滿心裝滿的都是愛你愛你愛你JIM!!!不知道怎麼會這樣 我真的不知道 心對DAVE竟然可以死的那麼徹底 我這才明了 重生 是多美好的機會 讓我可以再愛一次 可是 不一樣的是 我又長大~成熟了一點~上次的失敗我不敢再讓它重演了 太痛了~現在 就算講到以前 我也不再那麼難過了 我可以微笑帶過 不再淚眼濛濛了 這種感覺 竟然只須要短短的四個月呀~其實不是滴 因為 這八個月裡 我的他(Jim)是真的用他的愛交換了我的感情線好讓我為他牽動 現在所做的一切都為了他和我們的將來!!!有時聽到情歌想到了以前和Dave的點滴我腦海像在撥放電影一樣 我竟是會小聲的問自己 "那是我嗎?怎麼那麼可憐?"然後 搖搖頭要自己清醒 看看身邊正在開車的Jim 一切都又變得完整~溫馨~有時 我會不相信 我竟然可以再次被愛 不一樣的是 被愛的那麼幸福 那麼想哭 自從和Jim在一起以後 他真的徹底的修補了我的傷口 欠他的真的是太多了 我對Jim的愛真的是越陷越深 想到Jim和現在的自己 我會情不自己的就哭了出來 如果 Jim知道了以前的我 他還會像現在那麼愛我嗎? 我不敢想 我怕 我不能再失去了 我現在那麼的敏感一定是這情歌的關係 只要此刻 我記住 我很幸福就好!
前幾天和Dave在msn聊 心不動也不痛了 這樣的成長真好 可是 代價也太大了~~~
如果這是必須的過程才能和Jim相識相惜 值得嗎? 以前 我老愛亂發脾氣 現在 有改進摟~可是Jim都不知道~ 謝謝你 my god~謝謝你還眷顧我!!!謝謝(我快哭了~~~~)

Friday, November 24, 2006

Dave...

I dream of you I cannot control myself

My man, is beside me, sometimes, I wish he was you

But, undeniable, I never wanna settle down

With a heart like a candy,sweet and melty

Can't say no to anybody who wants to eat me

But, first, I need to have a clue of how to live w/out you

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Dave...

Still can't get over you
whenever your name is mentioned thatz when it begins the fight between me and him
I am so sick of it
I am so sick of my relationship with Jim
I am so so so sick of it
Hon, do you still call my name in your sleep? am I really that worthless? I don't have a clue how to live ever since we said good-bye
I became so weak
It would be good to hear your voice at this moment, sometimes, I have this anger in me that I cannot control, and typing is the only way that can distract me from missing you too much
You know, I don't wanna say good-bye, I never wanna say good-bye
I know, I am funny, I am talking to myself, and this might seem silly, but if I don't do it, I'll die
I guess, he has no clue anything about us and our past, our dark dark past, still, I don't wanna let go, I don't know why I wanna grasp this relationship so tight, maybe 'cuz you are my first and I wanna you to be the only one as well
Hon, when will you call me again? It doesn't make sense
Seriously, I tried to define and compromise myself to live right
But, I can't, nothing makes sense
Hon, tell me
Please, call me and tell me that you wanna see me, and please, tell me I am still your only one, and tell me, I am your only one
I cannot wait, I have wasted so much time, please, please, don't give up, and please please tell me we are not over, we will never over...
I beg you, how long will I not live like this
A life that's worth nothing without you
Even the air is not right
Please make this whole thing right, I pray.....can you hear my prayer?I don't wanna lie to anyone nor myself anymore
Everyday, at this time, the silent night, brought you back to my life again, that, I have no way to escape...

Tell me, we are not over right?

Tonight, I texted message Jim and told him, I still cannot get over you...I asked him for a break
Am I dumb or what?I could've tried to go on, I could've burried you and our past in this silent night, but, I don't want to repeat the same action over and over again, one day like this, I have to let everything out...

Dave....
Jim...
Dave....
Am I the only and last one?...
This brutal and bloody night

Jim, how many times do I need to tell you, never have fight with me before I go to bed, and how many times do I need to tell you, don't get mad at me 'cuz of my past, fuck you...
I guess, I have to dump you...

Alone...I feel all alone again...need to search for something to hold on to now...I am so broken inside...fuck...

Friday, November 17, 2006

Dave

D:
每次聽到"三天三瞑" 我就會好想你 記得ㄇ 你以前每次抱著我的時後 我都會要求你唱那首歌給我聽 而你也都會靜靜的在我耳邊唱著 那時的我們好幸福喔 對ㄇ? 昨天你終於打來了 原來是我想太多了 你不是不想接我電話 你是把電話留在JEFF的車上 你聽到我的聲音好開心 好緊張 我聽得出你的聲音有些抖 而我 還是一樣 活潑裝沒事的樣子和你哈啦~ 你 終於 還是 問我要不要和你出來喝咖啡 我說好 可是 時間和地點 我沒和你定 不是不想是不敢
我常在想
我現在對你的感覺是愛還是思念又或者是習慣
我常常好想念一放學坐公車去你的公寓 一開門 你 還在睡的情景
至從分手後 我不敢也不想經過Joyce Station 我怕 畫面會把我淹沒 我怕 我掩飾不住淚水
我不知道 都快半年了 我還是學不會 躲不過 想念你 想念我們的過去的點滴
我真的不知道 原來 我可以那麼念舊 我真的以為 我什麼都忘得掉放得開 沒想到 我還是有血有肉有感情的 我不過是個在普通不過的失戀人 雖然還是會一直想念你和我們的過去 可是 我又會矛盾想很多 我會一直沉溺在過去 然後又突然醒過來 活在現實 最想念的是 不會開車的我們 常常散步的到處走 在一起兩年多的我們 我一直都沒對你感到厭倦或疲憊 是因為 我常常出軌的原因嗎 帶著罪惡感的心去愛你反而會讓我愛你愛得那麼刻骨銘心~

Jim

Hon...
Dave finally called me back yesterday when we were at pacific's banana republic...
My heart stoped...I guess...love is what it is...
Anywayz...I love you too...I swear I love you so much...but..I am afraid....I am doomed....or maybe...I can change it...anywayz...hon...he asked me out for coffee before I go back to taiwan...sigh...Hon...seriously...I love you....but...the feelings for him..is something that...I am so used to it...sigh...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Jim...

Hon,
I called Dave 2 days ago, and he didn't pick up...I wonder why...maybe he found out about us, but who cares...I love Dave, and I know I will always love him, Dave, Dave, Dave...
Hon, I am sorry, I will always be the sinner, because you made me one, you treat me too good and I don't know why...
Hon, I don't deserve a man like you, I like you, I really do, but that's not love, I once experienced love, with this other man named Dave, not Jim, but as time goes by maybe it will washes my guilt and sin away?Who knows...
I am wearing our promise ring on my left ring finger now, I am looking at it and think...what is this all about? I am wearing it because I get used to have it on my left ring finger is that why I am wearing it? or because I wanna devoted to you, and the ring that's on my finger is a reminder that "I LOVE YOU JIM",anyhow, I still think I deserve a second chance, even though I din't love Jim that much yet, but I know I will, sooner or later, if Jim keeps treating me the way it is rigjt now, even an ice-berg would melt. Jim, I am sorry, I am so so sorry, because of Dave, I make you suffer all the time, because of Dave I make you the bad guy, becaue of Dave, I unconsciously mentally abused you, it's all because of Dave...
I don't know how long it will take me to heal, and I don't know how the hell I can get rid of Dave's shadow in my heart, but seriously, I so wanna love you, Jim, I so wanna love you, I wanna love you as much as you love me too, but...how? Fuck!
I am contridicted with myself, and I don't wanna be like this no more, I feel like I am going insane, I get pissed off by no reason, I get mad at you whenever I think of Dave, I dream about Dave almost every night in my sleep, and thinking of Dave, worry about Dave, missing Dave becomes my daily routine, fuck me! Dave, ever since I am with Jim, Dave, becomes a curse, that I don't dare to mention nor face it when I am with my friends or Jim, Dave ruined me once, can't let that happen twice, Jim...right now, what I am saying here is bull shit, it's something I never can nor dare to spit out to nobody, I have to express them here or else I got no where to go, and that'll probably lead me to a world called "hell"...
Jim, at this moment, I must admit...my heart is full of two, Dave and you...
And, I love Dave and you...
Don't ask me how the hell I can allow two in one piece of heart
I just can, and I really love you two
But, slowly, I must let go one of you
And that will be you, Dave, of course
The one who stole my soul and left me with sorrow to grow
With this empty shell, I got no where to go
Only pain is rooted in my bone
I am cold, and alone
But listen, god heard me 'cuz day and night I cry and like a baby
He gave me his sympathy
By sending this angel named Jim
Under his wings I see hope
Because of him, I am protected
I re-live my life again
With joy and dedication
This time, I must live my life right

Monday, September 18, 2006

Dave

我想 我永遠都好不了
他對我很好 可是 我眼裡卻只有你
我好怕 因為你 所以 我找他代替
我在等你 我好怕 我自己不自覺的在等你 回到我身邊
我真的不知道 自己可以愛的那樣的刻骨銘心
今天在整理信箱 不小心看到以前你寫給我的信 豁然 我發覺 我那麼愛你的原因 不是偶然
是一種宿命的象徵 我們曾經那麼瘋狂的愛對方 不給對方空間自由 也不讓對方有自我呼吸的空間 原來 那是我一直嚮往的幸福 曾經我嫌它是累贅 現在 它卻成為我嚮往的天堂 你不是個完美情人 可是 我們卻好搭對 我們一起哭一起笑一起恨對方 最後 還是誰也離不開誰 沒想到 今天的我們 還不確定 是否真的 完了 我真的不想 結束 就等你一句話 我知道 你不再是你 感情有了裂縫 我依然要 跟著自己的心跳聲走 就算 你 我不再完美 我還是要你 我就是要你 信裡的我們真的 是 我們愛的證明 我 已為 我忘記了 它 再次 挑起我的記憶 我無從抗拒 還是想念你 想回到你身邊 我好想你 我們應該是一對的 我們 一起走過了那麼多年 我 再也找不到 任何人 默契比你更好了 DAVE 你會回來嗎 我不求你了 我可以等 等你說 你還愛我的那一天 寧願後悔 也不願放棄愛你的權利 我 默默的 等你回來 你感覺得到我的呼喚嗎 趕快開口呀 說你愛我呀 為了這一句話 我 等

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Dave

一個月了
以為 恢復了
原來 思念 都被隱藏了
好難過
想到你 或看到你的照片
我 好難過 你 他/她的父親
我 無能為力
心 被我關起來了 對現在的他 好不公平 對他 我 充滿著懷疑
他 疼愛我 我心嚮往著你
e mail的password也是你的名字 銀行秘碼也是我們的日子 就連blog的password也是我們的日子
你說 我不愛你 我想 我太過愛你了 所以 才背負你 因為 被愛習慣了 你卻不懂 我不是太想愛 而是 沒安全感 你的離開 給我造成的傷害 永遠彌補不了的傷疤 可是 我還是 好想念你 只能活在記憶裡 我 活該 你空虛嗎 你會想我嗎 你也選擇離開我了嗎 你 這次 是真的走了嗎?你 放手了嗎? 我只是 在自言自語 想念你 以前的你 討厭 現在的你 真的 我好想念 過去 好想念 那時候的你...

if the past can ever present in prence
I would with no heistation forego everything I've treasured
which is
free the soul that you have left in me
hey, you forgot to take it with you
how could you survive when you left your other half with me
how could you?
your soul = pain and it gives me power
it's so strong that
I do not deny it when acceptence becomes my fate
have you forgotten me
when your face grow endless in me...